taking flight into art, love, and life (the blog)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

thoughts on becoming.

been thinking about my story lately. about who i was when i was younger. about who i am now, what i'm becoming. i want to find the courage and ask the adults in my life (uncles, aunts, family) who i was when i was younger - like an expedition to uncover a younger self. was i shy? did i talk too much? was i always this bossy? did you ever worry about me, about how i was after losing a parent and another one to grief? did i act normal, like all the other 8 year olds? what about those really early years when things were a bit tumultuous? what was my mom like in her twenties, early thirties?

and now, i am almost 33yrs old. how have i become? what were some of the moments, small + significant that held meaning, life-changing direction? was it when, at the age of 12, i met my bff gina - a wise soul whose natural gifts of counseling and friendship sheltered me through the teenage years and beyond? was it meeting maria stroup, an older woman whose spiritual guidance grounded me in community, friendship and service during those delicate adolescent years? was it the book i read in college that will always have meaning and underlined passages throughout? maybe it was that road trip out west when i was 22 yrs old that i've talked so much about. i know it's a combination, layers and layers of experiences, heartache, love, friendship, the dynamics of loneliness, family. it leaves me in awe right now. about how we become.

i just wonder. how magic happens. how, inside (and despite) our life experiences, we find our groove, our flow. how one day we have it, and the next day we might not. inside the curl of all this wondering, i return to the memory of how i made it here to this wondrous place where i live and work inside a creative life. it's the most recent significant event in my life and has surely changed my course in ways beyond measure. it was this: i did something i didn't think i could do. it had nothing to do with living a creative life and everything to do with finding my strength, testing my boundaries, and uncovering the layers of muck on my heart. under the muck was me. artsy. inspired. wide awake. and wide open.

we all have something that whispers to us to do it, but for whatever reasons, we hold off. we don't realize it's our own potential we're delaying, our hearts breaking open in gratitude, and our spirit rising.

i am grateful. for all of it.

21 comments:

Carol said...

I wanted to point you in the direction of my latest post. I have been using your lovely tutorial from CPS to work on a little canvas 5x5 inch. Thanks for such inspiration, it was such fun!

justagirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelly said...

very beautiful post, kelly. i've wondered some of the same things you have. my parents divorced when i was 12 and i lost my mom to suicide when i was 32. now that i have children, i have so many questions about what i was like as a child that i wish my mom was here to answer. i see me in them and wonder "did i do that?", both literally and figuratively, i guess. i wonder if i acted like they do and i am always filled with wonderment that these two little incredible creatures grew in my belly. you learn as you go, i guess.

justagirl said...

your post reminded me of some books I used to read as an early teen, where at the end of the chapters you could choose between two different paths to take the story, sometimes your choice would lead you to wonderful things. Finishing the book on a good note, solving the crime etc... and sometimes not so good things like suddenly fall off a cliff and dieing instantly.

It is important to know all the small and significant moments, steps that made us who we are.

~dani~ said...

Beautifully written post. I have often asked "who would I have been" if the tumultuous times didn't happen? Would I have gone further in life or would I have been not quite strong enough to survive? The question, I made peace with not long ago but it will always haunt me just a bit.
Happy Creating~

Deirdre said...

Your last paragraph is one I might just have to print and keep.

As I read this post I could see a path winding its way through life, through all the twists and turns and loops back upon itself, and here you are, so aware of, and thankful for, the journey. It makes me smile for you.

susannewichert said...

Dear Kelly, I seem to be awake very late in the morning and so I finally have time to check out the blogs that Allegra (beading stars) has listed among her favorites. I had started one, but have had long spells of abstaining...your thoughts are leading in a similar direction as mine only I have a few years on you. Nice writing. Thank you. susanne/sopha davenport

Tamsie said...

Your post touched me. I too wonder what I was like as a child. Asking my mom is not an option as she is mentally ill. Because of her illness we did not have any close relationships with family (biological or extended). I hope you are able to gather some information. The interesting part is, one situation...10 people..10 variations on a theme. Life is amazing and wonderful.

Tricia said...

thank you for this beautiful post. i read through it 3 times. :)
just lovely and though provoking. i must go journal now.
blessings,

Bijous Whimsy's Blog said...

What a wonderful post....your writing is just as wonderful as your imagery...feeling alittle bit lost today with my creative pursuits, your entry helps to stablize me abit today, thanks for that. Mandy

Heather B. said...

I'm sure your family members would love to tell you little stories about what you were like when you were younger.

My Great Aunt Elvira was my baby setter from 3 mos. to 3 years. She always had stories to tell me about when I was young. Some were quite embarrassing!

My daughter, who is 17, often asks what she was like when she was younger and since she has a brother who is 5, she is always asking me, Did I do that?

Have fun learning your younger story.

Ali said...

Ah, the layers. I love the layers - the good + the bad.

Stephanie Lee said...

You say the life you are living all started when you did something you didn't think you could do....what if it's not that way? What if...just what if YOU - that part of you that holds all the light of you - knew you could? What if there was no doubt for this part of you - that she was just waiting for her whispers of "yes. I'm here." to be heard over the sounds of fear and yearning and pain and loss and sorrow and uncertainty? What if she was holding you all those years knowing that one day you'd see something that looked really scary and do it anyway because her whispers were heard? What if you just didn't know you knew?

You are amazing! What a light you are for me...and the world.

OXOXO

julie king said...

i really like this post, particularly your idea to ask your relatives about the young(er) you. maybe you could use a traveling journal to have them write out the answers to each of your questions. it would be a nice keepsake. i'm impressed by the quest you're on and wish you all good things in your search for answers. take care!

Anonymous said...

hello..i just wanted to take the chance to THANK YOU for your blog..I am having one of those days and I stopped to read the latest and you renewed my hope..hope that I can have the life I have dreamt of..sunshine, smiles, colour, good people, light and inspiration..keep on writing because I am sure there are people like me out there that need your light

Anonymous said...

fabulous fabulous-- so beautiful, so thought-provoking--

~bluepoppy

Heather said...

this is the most beautiful post i have ever read. Thank you for it!

bethieyiya said...

such a beautiful post. i am going to take some time to ask these questions to my loved ones about me.

emilyruth said...

'it had nothing to do with living a creative life and everything to do with finding my strength, testing my boundaries, and uncovering the layers of muck on my heart. under the muck was me. artsy. inspired. wide awake. and wide open.'

that is one of the best things i have heard in a long long time...
i love it...thanks:)

(i linked over to you from ali edward's blog)

Anonymous said...

kelly~ i came across your beautiful art work in CPS and i was moved by the words and the innocents on the faces of your girls. this blog you wrote spoke to me because of my not so wonderful childhood and how i had to grow up at such a young age and with me turning 33 often wonder the same things. i want you to know that a women in n.h. finds you an inspiration in so many aspects.
thank you kelly!!!
peace and smiles~ jill

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