i have found so much support online. and i truly believe that if i wasn't encouraged in this space in the early years when i first discovered art, that i wouldn't have pushed myself to keep going to see where this creative wave could take me. and of course this wave has been steady, surprising, and the thrill of lifetime. i will never forget these last many years. never. i have so many people to thank for holding me afloat, for encouraging me to say yes, to say no when needed, to speak my truth all along the way. there have been many decisions on the back end and for the most part, i'm really proud of the choices i've made these last few years, even when big mistakes were made.
one of my biggest lessons in all of it has been to surround myself with people who haven't been afraid to celebrate with me, who have allowed me to be a big as i can be without judgement, without competition, without questions. i'm not talking "big" in a commercial success way, but big in a you can totally create a great life for yourself way and you actually deserve that life way and you can trust your capacity and expansiveness way and most importantly, you can totally answer to love way. because, in the end, it's not the commercial success that matters, it's that my soul pieces are in good working order. that's the kind of big i can invite into my life. i can't tell you how this one lesson has broadened not only my sense of self, spirituality, but also my sense of community.
my saddest moments as i made my way into success have been when i felt deflated by those i thought wanted the best for me, by those who didn't have the capacity to truly celebrate with me, by those, who for whatever reasons, felt triggered by my happiness. the hard truth is that i've been there. i've been that person, who for a variety of reasons, didn't have the ability to celebrate with my friends when they called to share big news (they bought a house! they were pregnant! they just landed the best job in the world!). i was really really good at listening and counseling when someone needed me to comfort them, but i failed miserably when someone needed me to celebrate with them, to stand in that big space with them, to give them permission to keeping pushing the boundaries of their horizon. now that i'm on the other side of that dynamic, i can see so clearly why i failed in those moments. it was because i didn't have the faith that i would one day find myself in a better situation. it was because i felt stuck. because i felt jealous. because i was being totally self consumed and selfish.
what i didn't know then but that i certainly know now is this: had i just leaned into the celebration with them, had i just allowed myself to be in those moments of bigness with them, then i would have not only been the receiver of so much joy, but i would have invited that same energy into my own life and i would have caught a glimpse of what could be possible for my own life. and most importantly, i would have connected more to those precious friends in my life who so deeply wanted to be seen and honored.
hindsight is 20/20. i've learned so much on this creative journey. i wouldn't trade it for the world. it's doesn't have to be about competition. or jealousy. or inadequacy. it's about expanding our capacities to include connection at every turn and it's about practicing what it means to be brave in love. we are all meant to be big.