what a gift.

everything feels precious in ways that feel intensely grateful, and free, and happy and even a little like a longing, like a bittersweet longing. whenever he looks at me, precious. whenever sleep arrives, precious. whenever feelings are spilled in honest tears, precious. whenever john hugs me, precious. home cooked meals. precious. a walk in the sunshine. precious. a baby poo after hours of waiting for it. seriously precious.

life feels so tender these days in ways that make me love every moment more than before. there is a gratitude that is orbiting my heart at all times for these moments of precious, though i'll admit that i have to intentionally concentrate on letting go in order to see them at times. i'm getting there. the letting go is turning out to be the hardest part of this early journey. i'm a bit tightly wound up, anxious, eager, worried. meanwhile, john is relaxed and more confident - modeling for me the idea that i can let go of the intensity, that i can have a bit more fun, that i can be un-serious. i'm working on it :)

baby true is three weeks old. week one felt like we were living on adrenaline, not yet awake to all that had happened. week two felt extremely wobbly, tearful, intensely intense like no other intensity i've ever felt - it was a week of navigating everything new and raw. week three has felt like breath, like maybe a little confidence is finding its way to my heart. baby true seems to be finding his groove too - sleeping more regularly, responding more to soothing, and soaking it all in with a deeper and deeper alertness.

there was a moment at the end of week two when he looked at me as if for the first time directly in the eyes. he just stared at me for a few long seconds as if he was saying "oh hello, mama, there you are. i see you!" and i was all tears and a hot mess over the sweetness.

i have learned so much these last three weeks. about the human heart. about letting it all release. about telling the truth, even if you think it will disappoint. about love so wide and big. about generosity. about giving. about the strength of my little family. about the vulnerability of loving more than ever before. about how one little love of a life can turn everything upside down and sideways in order to show you who you are possibly meant to be and what really matters and who really matters.

what a gift.

ps-maternity leave is a serious gift, too. i've been getting up everyday and taking a shower. doing my hair. putting on makeup. asking for help. being with true. being with john. taking naps and lots of bubble baths. not working at all (or VERY little). watching football and dvr'd oprah. writing (both here and elsewhere) which feels like therapy. all of the big transitions of the year and all the movement we've had this year have come to a close. we are resting and nesting and finding our beautiful.