taking flight into art, love, and life (the blog)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

missing my beginner artist self.

imagine II 72 dpi

i made this painting just before christmas. i was in experimentation mode, trying not to be attached, and working at being playful. before it looked like the above, it looked like this (a background that i had sitting around for nearly a year):

background

i didn't love the finished piece at first but after looking at it again this morning, it charmed me. i like how the lace still comes through in her hair. and i like how it still looks like me but not me.

i'm all over the place these days when it comes to painting. i think that's because i'm all over the place. my world is shifting and recalibrating and that comes through in my art. i sort of like that. it feels adventurous and i wonder where i'll land, if i'll land. art, for me, is extremely narrative. my paintings tell the story of where i happen to be in my life. i love, love, love this part of being a painter - the story telling.

in the studio
(that's me in 2006 - the year i started painting and selling my work)

speaking of paintings, i'm currently working on several licensing projects that have me going through my entire portfolio. that means i'm looking at every single piece of art i've made in the last five years - hundreds of paintings. as i go back and look at each one, i'm reminded of how far i've come, how each piece represents a moment in time for me, how they tell the story of where i've been these last five years, how i've grown as a person, as an artist. as i see and witness the transformation in my portfolio, i can now really see and witness the transformation of myself these last five years. i hold so much tenderness for that 30 yr old girl (pictured above) who found her passion and never looked back. i'm so proud of her, in awe of her and in some ways, i miss her.

i miss her optimism. and courage. and determination. i get all teary eyed about her. i really, really do. so much has happened since she dared to dream big. and knowing what i know now about how complicated our stories can be, and how easy it is to get off track, and how gratitude is the only way to joy, i want to reach out and give her a giant bear hug and thank her for reaching out toward something that was greater than herself and embracing all the possibilities that were waiting for her all along.

right now, today, i am reminded of my own beginnings. i miss them, i miss her, and i'm working hard at embracing that beginner's mind again. there is so much magic in those moments of working hard and being thankful about what is today, and dreaming big about tomorrow.

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